August 19th, 2020
Happy Heavenly Birthday, Jonathan.
It's my brother's birthday. Just two days ago was my daughter's birthday. And for a while, that fact triggered a lot of grief, guilt and regret for me. Today, however, I woke up in good spirits--we all did. Everyone in the house was riding the gentle wave of gratitude.
I felt my brother's carefree energy. "Be present," I could hear him advise. Today, it felt easy to comply with that idea. I bask in the enjoyment of abundance, without entertaining the potential "risk" of jinxing myself because I am being too happy. In the beginning of my journey, I struggled with feeling scared about enjoying my abundance. I know now that these blissful moments are what we (the participants) look back upon when life decides to spin the Wheel of Fortune and it's no longer easy street--life's rough & it sucks. The happy memories are happening now and I need to enjoy myself.
I really took in my surroundings and could feel everyone's harmony permeating throughout the house. It felt cozy. Nate has been grounded for nearly a week and despite this, even he felt peaceful. I saw he wore my brother's ashes proudly above his hoodie: a surefire sign he was connecting to my brother in some way and he wanted me to see it.
Seeing Nate's progress in this week alone led me to think about myself and my own transformation. I reflected upon how evolved I've become. How only four years ago, this day felt heavy and void of any joy. I was carrying bricks of guilt haphazardly, allowing them to take me emotionally crashing down. Jamie, my patient and thoughtful husband, was right there to pick me up and catch the slack I let loose. He was there to love me, encourage me, dust me off, and send me forward again.
I felt tremendous remorse. My brother's and my last conversation did not go very well and for the longest time I wish I would have told him something different. He called me one evening; I was sitting in my car, leaving the grocery store, rushing home. I remember how my brother sounded distracted and distant. I could barely hear what he was asking me. I recall that I responded with impatience and told him, "No." I had a million things running around in my head; I was still in "work-mode". If I could change anything, it would have been me and the outcome of that phone call.
To be honest, this memory still stings, but it's okay. I've made peace with this. I've made peace with the kind of person I used to be. I disliked who I was back then and I am never going to be like that again.
Releasing Guilt: My First Step
It was easier said than done.
It took a long time to forgive myself with regards to my brother and our last conversation. He took the weight of guilt from me when he visited me after he passed, but that occurred before I could comprehend Spirit communication and the idea of life after death. I still needed to process my emotions, my path and my role--whatever and wherever it was supposed to be. I went to a grief therapist for a few months and eventually hired a life coach. My heavenly visitation, however, stayed in the back of my mind.
Releasing: It's more than saying "goodbye" to a feeling.
During this time I evaluated everything in my life: my thoughts; my emotions; my actions; my job; and people I thought were friends. I released any negative self-talk (it had to go with the guilt) and I promised myself that I would overcome this. I thought about how I spent my time and wondered how I became so obsessed with the wrong things, like work. I also considered my history with people and connected the dots; it was pretty evident that I kept the wrong people close to me. They weren't my champions; they didn't have my back.
The funny thing about transformation is: it's ongoing; you may have to repeat lessons (just the Universe's way to test you further), before you're elevated to the next level. I understand I am at the point again where I must assess my development now and purge again. It's slow going, but I remain open to the Universe and the synchronicities I come across... like breadcrumbs, they lead me to my next step. I just need to trust!
Moral of the Story
Work through your pain & seek for deeper understanding of self. Take your time to feel and heal.
Those old, familiar, heavy vibes can be as comfortable as a worn shoe...at first. Just remember, after a while of wearing the old shoes, your back starts to ache. You find yourself shifting, one side to the next. You realize that the shoes aren't as supportive as they once were. They are no longer a fit for your life and it becomes annoyingly clear: it's time to let them go.
Yeah, okay--it's an old shoe, but what about habits? Family members? Friends? Yeah, much harder in the beginning, but once it's done, you've created so much room for new things and new people to fit in your life. Just surrender and allow the transformation to happen.
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